guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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