We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
