a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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