4 words: hood of his car
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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