I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
