I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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