i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
