does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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