new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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