god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
