I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
