There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
