What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
