just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
