I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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