My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
