Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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