apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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