Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
