Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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