so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
