Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
