Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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