ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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