please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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