I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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