Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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