there's paper in my vomit.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
