I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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