i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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