mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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