Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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