the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
