I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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