Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
