I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
