I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
