Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
