Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
