My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
