So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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