Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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