I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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