Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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