so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
