that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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