Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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