Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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