I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize