are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
