I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
