He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
