It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
