that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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