There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
