I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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