just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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