I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
