You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
