...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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