hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
