I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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